Mustard seed

Sometimes, hurt comes from someone you didn’t think it would. Sometimes, they layer it with pride and further hurt and you let them, because you don’t quite know how to look people you love in the face and say ‘no’ firmly. I’m learning. Recently, something happened and I went to ‘I’ crying because it blindsided me and hurt me in a way I didn’t think possible. He said to me, “Do you think I have your back? Do you think I’ll protect you? Do you think I’d let someone cheat you?”

And I realised I knew with unwavering certainty that he had my back, knew he’d protect me because that’s what he’s always done in the years I’ve known him. I didn’t expect what he said next though. “So, why have you come to me crying as if you’re helpless. You should be calling me to have a good laugh about this. I feel insulted that you’re crying over this.”

So my spirit started to nag. Is this how God feels every time I worry needlessly and let people’s selfishness get me down? Is this how He feels when I can’t get out of bed for days because I’ve lost my joy hurting or worrying? “Why have you come to me crying as if you’re helpless?”

My conversation with ‘I’ made me pause because I realised just how little faith I have in God, and how my actions make it seem like I don’t have confidence in the knowledge I have of Him. It made me realise just how much time I spend worrying over projects and hurting over slights instead of having a good laugh because I know that he has my back and will protect me.

This year has been a journey for me. With God revealing more of himself to me in my interactions with others. I struggle with my confidence in him but this revelation is helping me scale that mountain. Now, I’m waiting on the one about letting go of bitterness and embracing forgiveness.

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