Month: September 2015

Requiems for love

Because some songs bear the weight of memories…

BlackBird | Nina Simone

“This is apt,” I say, increasing the volume and pausing so he can listen. “It’s the perfect soundtrack for this moment.”

“Change the song. You think this is a movie?”

I don’t tell him that it’s too late. That regardless of our choices, this is how I’ll remember him. Us. A bird with a broken wing, longing for flight but unable to take off.

Youth | Daughter

“Rayo, I know you. You wanted a reason to leave.”

I don’t argue with her. No one’s warmth has ever kept me from starting to crave ‘alone’ after 6 months. “I didn’t expect him to give me no reasons to stay.”

I hold on to the anger at his reckless dick because it is easier than saying, “You make me want to swallow my tongue and fold into my soul for comfort. I know if I stay much longer I will kill myself.”

Stay | Rihanna

I have a compulsion to win and I can’t accept that failing at something doesn’t make me a failure. So, I make myself stay. But love is not a race, and four years is a long time to pay for a mistake.

Who Knew | P!nk

At any point, one of us has doubts. And it’s a dance. He leaves; I fight to put us back together. I leave; he pulls me back to him. Yet we tell each other it’s forever. Made of something real. Not just firsts but lasts, forever.

How did we think our teenage selves so wise and steady when thirty is drawing near and we still haven’t figured out love or life?

Advertisements

Mustard seed

Sometimes, hurt comes from someone you didn’t think it would. Sometimes, they layer it with pride and further hurt and you let them, because you don’t quite know how to look people you love in the face and say ‘no’ firmly. I’m learning. Recently, something happened and I went to ‘I’ crying because it blindsided me and hurt me in a way I didn’t think possible. He said to me, “Do you think I have your back? Do you think I’ll protect you? Do you think I’d let someone cheat you?”

And I realised I knew with unwavering certainty that he had my back, knew he’d protect me because that’s what he’s always done in the years I’ve known him. I didn’t expect what he said next though. “So, why have you come to me crying as if you’re helpless. You should be calling me to have a good laugh about this. I feel insulted that you’re crying over this.”

So my spirit started to nag. Is this how God feels every time I worry needlessly and let people’s selfishness get me down? Is this how He feels when I can’t get out of bed for days because I’ve lost my joy hurting or worrying? “Why have you come to me crying as if you’re helpless?”

My conversation with ‘I’ made me pause because I realised just how little faith I have in God, and how my actions make it seem like I don’t have confidence in the knowledge I have of Him. It made me realise just how much time I spend worrying over projects and hurting over slights instead of having a good laugh because I know that he has my back and will protect me.

This year has been a journey for me. With God revealing more of himself to me in my interactions with others. I struggle with my confidence in him but this revelation is helping me scale that mountain. Now, I’m waiting on the one about letting go of bitterness and embracing forgiveness.