1008; A Fluttering Leaf from my Journal

I don’t think about him, people expect me to but I don’t and I don’t find it weird that I don’t, not at all. I don’t miss him, or what we had, all that talk about your first love, well it’s not true, or maybe I’m just a freak.
I thought about him today, this evening, as I sat in there. I go there at least once a week and I don’t think about him. I don’t know why today was different. I thought about him today and it was because of them. I’ve seen them there before, the two of them, him; very cute and boyish, her; tall, slim, cute, sexy. I saw them again today and I thought about him.

I had to suppress a sudden violent urge to stand up and walk up to them, ask him to excuse us so I could talk to her. I wanted to tell her how that was me, that was my yesterday, she is me last year. I wanted to tell her. Tell her that it wouldn’t last, that they might be laughing now but very soon the fights would start, the fights that had no ending. I had to force myself not to go over.
I wanted to ask him for how long he thought they would last. I wanted to tell them not to give too much of their hearts to each other.

I thought about him, how that used to be us. Teasing, smiling, laughing, just sitting there. How that used to be us that’d walk into the eatery and joke with everyone there coz it was our hang out, but its no longer us. Nature abhors a vacuum. There is no vacuum. There is no us. They took our space. I don’t mind. For me I don’t. For the cute boy and the sexy girl, I do. I want to tell them about the frowns that’d soon crease their faces and how it would end with them not even being friends. I want to tell her to run before she gives him her all. I want to tell her to make sure tomorrow never comes. Because when the dawn breaks, she will be me today.

I don’t miss him. I miss some of the things we used to do. The silly meaningless calls a zillion times a day. I miss the silence. The one filled with laughter. The one where I could still hear the love; loud and clear. I don’t miss the silence that came at the end. The one filled with the fights and anger. No I don’t miss that silence. I don’t miss him. I don’t think about him. I don’t feel guilty that I’ve moved on, that there’s been someone else since almost immediately after him. No I don’t. I don’t feel guilty that less than 2 months ago he still told * he couldn’t believe I was gone. I don’t.

I want to tell her about how the paths they walk together today she will skip along tomorrow. Alone. I want to tell her to run and not look back. I want to tell her that love sucks. It sucks away all of your innocence. When tomorrow comes she will no longer be able to recognize love. I want to tell her about how I’m fighting so hard to accept love these days. How I can no longer hear love when its screaming. How my silence no longer rings with love. I want to tell her love always hurts. How she will give him her all and have it not work out. How she would leave and then he’d see what she’d been screaming in his face for years. I want to tell her love always hurts. I want to pull her away from him.

I don’t. I listen instead to the sound of their laughter, I watch her tickle him. I watch him hold her. I listen to the sound of their joy, I watch, I listen. I hope that for them, tomorrow delays, just a little bit longer. Because when tomorrow comes she will no longer remember what his smile looks like. He will no longer come here because it reminds him of her. She will come though. Alone. I don’t think about him. I don’t miss him.
I turn, allowing Coldplay’s ‘Fix you’ waft over me, letting it soothe wounds I thought had become scars. I bury my face in Biyi Bandele’s ‘The Street’, finding my laughter once more in Nehushta’s little trick…

p.s. forgive me if this does not read easily. it is straight from the folder journal (diary if you like)and this is the disjointed, repetitious way I write in it. I am jaded.

44 thoughts on “1008; A Fluttering Leaf from my Journal

  1. namesake, this makes me feel…sober (see why im commitmentophobic?)

    tears streaming, down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace ….i love that song.

  2. your writing style is understandable since its straight from from the heart, one thing u said is true though, love sucks away your innocence and personally i feel love sucks, damn.

  3. I love the writing style, shows this is straight from the heart, that you're hurting.
    I would tell you not to jsut give up on love, channel it into something else….even the pain, let it be your inspiration to show him that he may ave taken some part of you but that doesn't determine you.

  4. First cut is always the deepest so says shakesphere…The scars always remain embedded until “time the healer of all wounds washes them away”..

    You won this battle the day you decided to move on and trust me when i say that if you look within you..you will always find the will to LOVE again…

  5. blogoratti; yea, i luv coldplay 2
    @Omotee; i'm gud, tnx. u?
    @tunrayo; i read this God knows where; 'The truth is everyone is going to end up hurting you, you just got to find the people worth suffering for.'
    @the girl wt red hair; its not him nd i hvnt given up. i gues i jst lost the fairy tale view. lol
    @scarletboy; true talk.
    @rene; i wont really say i'm hurtn, no, i dnt think i am, i thnk i'm jst wistful, longing 4 a tym wn i still had the fairtale notions of love. i gues i had to grow up.
    @Bsnc; i am. was jst in a creepy mood i guess.
    @lumidee; yea i know. tnx
    @Doll; i guess its all about perspective. it takes too much from me which is why i think it sucks…

  6. It's the sincere ring to this that I love…It's only Human, to habor bad feelings towards something after a bad experience, or after we have been disappointed..But, Love is surely a wonderful thing..One thing That makes life worth living..Hopefully, you would feel this again..Cheers..

  7. Wow! That blew me away. I love the way you write. Have an open mind and open heart and embrace love whenever it comes your way. Better to have loved and lost than not at all.

  8. this is sad…not good sad but sad sad…you aren't jaded just disillusioned…P.S “Love doesn't alter when it alteration finds…”
    Shakespeare…just have faith it'll come to you

  9. You know, you will wake up one day and wonder where all the time went and why you wasted so much time thinking about him. Then you will smile and be thankful that you went through all that and you took something away from that experience.

    A leagl maxim. Natuer abhors vacuum. I remember that from Land Law.

  10. first love aint all that. at least not for me too. call it jaded but i call it realistic. i kinda feel like smacking the heads of my lil cousins and friends when they get all cutesy and “in love”. lol. nice blog

  11. @Rose; yea i kno. its just so hard 4 me to accept the knowledge that love is a gud thing these days…
    @leggy; i'm fyn. rili. tnx
    @Ms Dufa; tnx, i try so hard to remind myself of that…
    @MN; *blushing*
    @Uzezi; i dnt kno d song, bt from d title i cn imagine how it goes…
    @P-sya-wana; i dont even know wat name to put to it, all i kno is, i'v lost my 'innocence'
    @luscious ron; that's y i dont tnk abt him. lol. land law. ha, that bloody course.
    @have u any wool; lol
    @Bibi; tnx 4 comin by, i kno how u feel…
    @taymee; thank you. its easier than u tnk. jst dont place any pressure on urslf. i dont do it daily, just wn i rili feel like, i neva have mo than 8-10 entries a month.
    coldplay rocks, mehn. my entire playlist will prob qualify as depressed, colplay, enya, dido, sade…

  12. i wait for the day i will love like you
    i sha hope my own will last forever because break-up is the pits.

    not that i have ever experienced it, i am the one doing the break-up

    its latisha

  13. i wait for the day i will love like you
    i sha hope my own will last forever because break-up is the pits.

    not that i have ever experienced it, i am the one doing the break-up

    its latisha

  14. deep,intense laced with flashbacks that remind of sth that was there and no longer is,love is mystery that is not hard to solve,but then what counts is the courage to find it,there we share the same boat,wld love to hang out with u soon

  15. Dis is simply brilliant,I'm not much of a reader but I rily
    Enjoyed reading this,u practically took me to dat spot.
    Genius wrriting I tell u,unique too.lol

  16. I read this again today and dunno, it still cut rite to my heart…
    …it's so hauntingly and painfully true, how hard it gets to accept love and how you can't seem to hear it even when it's screaming right in your frigging face!!!

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